ben? kai? maggot?

had a long talk with Ben on the phone just now. darn. i'm gonna miss him like crazy. its gonna be worse now that he'll be in the States rather than just the other side of Msia. shucks la... now BOTH of my best frens are out of the country. this is when i can truly say, i'm all alone. now there is no one i can turn or run to instantly.

i used to tell myself that, no matter wat happens, i can run away and hide at their place. even if it was jsut fer a while. maybe that was how i made myself feel a tad more secure? they have always been my support system, now having them both gone... dangit. now, this lil donkey *me!* has to think on its own feet and survive on its own! haha...

i'll miss ben. yea. i sed that already huh? what happened to out idealistic dream? hmm... twas in form2.. we made plans to move in an apartment together. study in the same college but diff courses. get out of the country together and live the life we deserve. i think wad we meant was, life without much supervision = loadsa freedom! haha~ year by year, i find myself smiling at tht memory. how naive we were. but yet, it just goes to show how far we've come. as best frens. tht was just the starting of it all =) silly lil daydreams in class. hopefully it'll turn into reality? maybe not entirely as we've planned. but i'm sure we'll make up for it eh?

long gone is that lil gangly fello, who had a black face and a small backpack barging in the class on the first day of skewl. the one who sat behind class without uttering a word. first impressions are usually off-target assumptions. i assumed Ben was a snob and a dimwit. heck! turned out to be the best candidate fer heated discussions which might turn into a debate or better, arguements. ahh~ BLISS! arent i glad that joe sent u as a messenger *grins*? remember the hate-blog? sky-high phone bills? the lil chat wif ur mom? haha~

u'd rant and complain about women and i'd curse and bitch about men. if we'd meet psychologists or counsellors, they'd become millionaires jsut by having both of us consulting them during peak-emo season. but then, i knew they're just bloodsuckers. and its fun.. since i'm the xiaochabo/kepochi of the both of us. hahah.

i'll miss you buddy. gosh... i tear up even when i start to think that ur leaving. i cant say its too soon cuz we knew u'd leave years ago. i find myself feeling bad cuz i cudnt have made a bigger effort to call or meet you. then again, we both are equally high in demand eh? always so busy with life, maybe i wasn't having priorities laid straight.

*hugs* i love you Ben. u've been this reli best fren that i needed at the times i needed u most. remember that one time i called u when i was sobbing and in hysterics? the silly car accident of mine? horrible arguments and emo-seshs? yeah. i-heart-u,bennie.

reality bites.

maybe it was a spur of a moment... something that i just suddenly wanted to do without encouragement or reason to. i didn't even have time to think rationally about the action i was about to take. there i was thinking with a giggle:"gah~ lets just get this over with!"

by the term "get it over with" , i meant that i wanted the truth. i feel so tired with all these nagging thoughts...

1. is it okay that i go out with this guy if i still like another?
2. does it count as tricking the guy on this date?
3. i think i am fooling the poor chap... *feels guilty*
4. will he hate me if he found out i like another?

then there are those heart wrenching stuff they say...

1. i like you alot...
2. will you be my gurlfren?
3. gimme a chance?
4. i'd never hurt you wor...


concluding that i might actually relieve myself of such a lip-gnawing problem by simply telling him the truth. i take the sole blame for all this stupidity. haha!

so that i did just that, i meant- me confessing! it wasnt reli confessing tho...it was more like.. me giving rather obvious hints and clues. no point beating around the bush much. thank goodness he finally understood... yep, feel quite awkward.... abit sad, regretful but i'm glad its out.

i got wad i wanted. i just wanted the truth. i'm glad i found out sooner.. than later. i'm OFFICIALLY freeeeee~! guilt free to go out with others... cuz apparently according to him, now is not the right time and he likes another few gurls. i'm not goin bonkers but... i'm glad i have the truth and a reason now. i'm just wondering why didnt i just do this sooner?!

liars. rejected

so falling in love was the easy part. yeah... that was a no-brainer. now... how do u get outta LOVE?


i'm pretty sure i'm not in love. no, i am not in denial. chill~ i'm just in the late-teenage-pre-adult playful phase. hehe! just interested in having serious fun and getting involved in real-life drama. maybe right now is not the time for a steady relationship. maybe right now, is the time to explore and realise my girly dreams plus naughty fantasies...

it was on merdeka day that i made this breakthrough... im gonna live life to the fullest. doesnt it sound so corny? like its right out from the movies?

there i was, spending quality time with my family up in Kundasang, the foothills of Mount Kinabalu. it was a cold night... but not to the point of freezing tho. i received an sms from him---> X ,saying that he was caught up in a bar fight, is hurting and feels like he's dead. being myself, i went into panic mode and got worried... but a tiny voice inside of me told me to call another good fren,Wil to find out if X was orite. i called and heard the fella's voice in the background while talking to Wil. he sounds orite to me... the next day, i drove down from my holiday villa and met up for weekly badminton. aside from bruised knuckles and a nearly-unnoticeable swollen cheek, he looked and seemed A-OK.

so... enough said! i refuse to believe i over-reacted cuz Yvon reacted the exact same way i did. i hate liars!.... or braggers!... or..or guys who make a mountain out of a mole hill! HMMPH!

life manual. where art thou?

hey ya'll. finally! i put my words into actions! hahahahah! i've locked up this blog! wooohoooo~

first things first! to celebrate the privatization of this blog, lemme say wad has been kept hidden in my heart for oh-so-long! ...... i have made a promise to collegemate Yvonne to remain single till the end of this year! but its unofficial! as we've eyet to discuss details and she's fussing about signing papers! this is wad u get when meticulous gurls are put into business schools eh? all about black n white and greenbacks. haha~

i'm still wondering about this deal thingy :
1. remaining single doesnt mean being crush-free! HEHEHE!
2. dating doesnt count, right?
3.wad happens if both parties succeeds in this deal.......
4. penalty.... run around campus in a swimming suit? or sing out loud: " duncha wish ur gurlfren was hot as me? dun cha~ dun cha~"
5.we need a blardy unbiased witness. both of us have over-protective frens.


if i screw up this semester... i've decided to just continue living right here in Sabah. but if i dont... i'll be continuing my studies in KayL. but for now... everything is unclear and unconfirmed. sigh... planning is fun. more fun if planning came with guarantees or warranties. heck, my life manual is missing. hehe!

end of d road

it makes me sick to talk to him. well... not to point of vomitting but rather... to the point of hoping and praying he wudnt tell me things that i rather not hear. i wish i cud turn back time... when both of us were just plain frens and spoke about everything else without worry. you didnt have to think aboout what others thought and i wouldn't hurt everytime you say those few cursed words. maybe it was my fault that i became weak and made it easy. it was suppose to be the other way around. too much time left together... i just knew i shud've run. torn between temptation and responsibilty, u made me laugh and feel free after all the drama i've gone thru the past months. darnit. why did we end up this way?

grumpy and ...RAWR!

roughly sums up my mood now

currently burying myself alive in work (both in the company and tuition center) and college stuff.

unconsciously... i think i'm just trying to NOT think about depressing stuff la. got lots of things going on... sure, everyone goes thru alot of things. i just dun think its the same and maybe i'm not that good in handling loads of problems at the same time.

oddly... when u're hit with one problem... suddenly, MORE will come right after that! argh... i just hate it. i hate it when a small petty problem which shudnt trouble me much becomes a big annoying one even when i dun bother or meddle with it. it feels odd to me that friends ask soo much questions about my frenship wit this particular male collegemate. WAD DOES IT HAF TO DO WITH U??? nothing right? you're not my best/good/close fren? no? so go away! i dun need another nosey dodo in my business. i had enuff of those.

so wad if i looked as tho i fell in love with him jsut a few months ago? do i look like i like him now? ever considered that maybe it was his fault that in the end i refuse to accept him as 'more than just frens' ? he asked for a chance! i was given an OPTION - yes or no . i opted NO! and the whole world suddenly thinks i'm sum evil mighty witch flying on my broomstick, cackling and throwing frogs at whim n fancy! garrrr...

as of now... i found another small group of frens. yes.. i'm those who find frens based on my moods and current needs. right now, my priorities or qualities i want in a fren is fun. funny. no stress. as simple as that.

which brings me to another problem, i was in love all along with the same guy. maybe i forgot or... purposely 'buried' him? i went out with other guys and found them...unsatisfactory... i guess i've just answered alot of questions with one lil sentence. heh.

no more complication needed in my life. i need a holiday soon.... or shopping! if not, heck! bring me out fer a stiff drink now.

fussy, i noe.

i'm not sorry at all that i said no to him. but i'm saddened that we're no longer good friends like before. despite many commenting me cruel for leading him on, i'll stand my ground. i refuse to give up my single-dom for a guy deemed below-par. maybe it is slightly unfair la when he is often compared to the guy of my dreams.

in a way, i wasnt reli into him. i liked him. at the last minute, i suddenly realised the difference between like crush lust and love. i admit it was just like. i didnt love him.

i dun care if i have to wage war between those who stand for him. why do u ppl have to butt into my business? this is between me. and him. but currently, its more of me refusing to talk to him cuz i know myself better than anyone else. i cant talk to him now. i'll explode if i do. pretty sure that i'll start shooting him. depends on the location and situation. AND my mood. haha~

and oddly, most of my KL frens hv seen that fugly part of me. none of my college mates here in KK have. i've got the knack of controlling my temper very well now. to the point, the majority of my frens think i'm soooo nice and hardly hv a problem with my temper! haha! amazing.

i'm enjoying my life now. too much i admit. i dun need a permanent guy( aka boyfren) now. *sighs in relief and contentment* i dont have to worry about his feelings and alway allocate some time amidst my hectic schedule for him. for now, having fun socializing( more like fishing for potential guys...just for the fun tho) and gaining life experiences by working with parents and by being a part-time tutor.

i'm fussy. but i noe wad i want. and i want it the way i like it. xp

two steps backward and one step forward

longing for peace

one discovery made me look at my family life a little differently now. something i believed in for such a long time turned out to be sumthing that waSn't true. .... i'll just leave it at that...

probably a week or two after my birthday...i've really thought : i've wasted a year for this one guy. i wanted someone that most people think he's unsuitable or not good enough. and the other two guys were so much better for me... yea... a year wasted. i admit... but then, i took a chance...or rather, a risk and told him that i liked him in the middle of a phone conversion one night. i felt...cheapened. dont ask me why. haha! maybe the word should be vulnerable yet... it isn't exactly right either.

damn... i begin to hate mandarin. why? cuz its so unprecise. two lil chinese words can mean totally different things... so... i'm actually still stuck in the middle. wad d eff is : "hao gan" ?! like i said, mandarin is unprecise.

now, i'm having second thoughts about him... i feel bad but i'm not doing this on purpose! i feel like telling him that i was kidding when i said i liked him! maybe i shud've shutup and just remained the talkactive coursemate! honestly, now i'm just holding everything back inside.i refuse to talk to him about anything except for class,friends or studies. nothing sensitive or close to heart. maybe i dun wanna be hurt all over again. gawd... i dun want that anymore.

i might have made a small mistake by telling him. the bigger mistake MIGHT be when i trust the wrong guy. i wish i had the courage to just love freely like last time... but i feel scared. i'm trying but ... i think not trying as hard i shud be.

don't u feel like screaming and slapping me sober? well... yea... i wanna do that to myself too. haha~

sixsubjectsinshortsemester

i dunno wad to think of it right now. losing two good friends,Wing and Prinz who decided to drop outta college, made me feel really sad and yeah, cried abit... wad if it were two best friends? i lost one for sure already, thanks to her dishonesty... well, one more is on the pending list. haha. i'm not really sure why but i guess i prefer to have a little bit of hope.

i dun think being best friends for more than five years would end just like that, would it?

honestly... i don't know. and right now... life isn't going the way i wanted AT ALL. not a bit. i have six subjects this semester. and its a SHORT semester...

thinking of me myself and i

i tried. not once... not twice.... but alot of times! COUNTLESS TIMES. i reli take the innitiatuve and willingly spend my money to call, or try to chat thru MSN but if he doesnt want to receive the call or even make an effort to contact me, FINE!

i deserve at least an explaination or a offline message. but no....instead i get rejected calls, a few brush-offs and many unanswered MSN messengers. all i wanted was a brief update or how're things or better yet,a short simple convo... i dun mean to be rude or seem inconsiderate, but seriously, considering...i've been doing this for the last two weeks?!... i dun think i am selfish or whatsoever. what am i supposed to feel when this is your best friend? happy, not bothered or abit irritated? i think i already have more than enuff reasons to be angry.

i've been working my ass off, attending classes, leading clubs, studying into the wee hours of morn, and handling two major projects for my dad since the day i got back from KL, and in the midst of all the chaotic rushing of work and college, i still constantly think of him, go online to drop a MSN message, or try to call.

not belittling the things he goes thru, for i will never do that... i just feel i've done what i shud...its frustrating for me when i try to do sumthing close to my heart and it doesnt work out...and believe me, i've never complained abt my frenship with him till now.... and..... come to think about it... honestly... from now on... like alot of people say, i gotta start thinking of ME... being hurt is easy, i just dont want to go on hurting. i'm going to believe that maybe i'm wrong, and yea. i will no longer contact those who do not contact me or unless without advance notice/permission.

hmm... i remembered the first time being forced to wear skirts by my mom when i was six... gosh... it was like forcing satan to wear a pair of angel wings! i was howling and struggling... it was a satin skirt with white lace and ribbons. *shivers* i never really like the kiddy stuff ... but ... i bought myself a short skirt... from Dorothy Perkins! i love it! hehehe!

i guess this is where i admit that my elder sister was right. u cant keep all ur frens from high skewl unless they appreciate u just the same... so that means, only my best and closest frens huh? all the others will slowly fade. i argued with her, of course. saying that its different with my bunch! just a few years from then, i realised... yea. she's so right. i'm losing most of my old buddies... only retaining a handful... and sadly... in that small handful, a few are already slipping thru my fingers...as hard as i try to save those frenship... time and fate is always against me, or the other party gave up too.

i went out wit him and realized... I'm really happy! he was everything i wanted in a guy but... abit of chemistry was missing. he held doors and chairs out (perfect gentleman!), attentive, fun, spunky... gosh... he was just hilarious as well! yet... as much as i wanted to.. i guess i wasnt THAT into him. i needed more connection than gentlemanly ways and goofy jokes. i love talking abt more deeper stuff like philosophy and political views... i enjoy his magical gift of knowing what i've missed out, like playing at the beach, flying kites and a picnic! how cool is that?! he wondered out loud, " have u played in the rain before? let's do it but don get sick ah!" * giggles* i wish i could fall deeply and madly in love wif him... but even when i force myself... i cant... i'm still trying...

pounded

my very foundation of my faith is shaken. i'm not surprised. Ben knows why... not blaming anyone but myself. i always knew that i was weak in faith. i've always tried to block off the logic and reason that formed in my head... meeting Ben was like a wake up call. he made me face reality in a nanosecond. i was reluctant..no,wait... i was slightly confused or rather... i denial la.

blamed self

its partly my fault. to always be busy with college and work. but i cant reli help it... i wish i cud have stayed back in KL and not go back to sabah... but i did what i was expected of me from my family.. mostly my dad.

Ben was right... i chose the easy way out. i chose not to be the best i can be. he's still my best bud. nothing can change that. i know i neglected the time we had with each other... or the sheer bad luck /timing to meet up...i rarely ever emailed... or call..or sms...... its bad, i know.

i do not! want this frenship to ever end. i dun know but i feel we're both too much alike and if i ever cut off contact with ben, its like losing my opposite gender of a twin. a brother. a family member. my best bud...

to me, i segregate my list of frens into neat lil groups... like best friends (being on top of the friend pyramid) and the second, good frens and third, just frens. yep... easy? no? best frens being those i cherish the most, appreciate and truly believe in : friendship never ends..... and currently, there's just only two.. Ben and Georgine.

giggles~!

i admit, i do not LOVE taking care of kids... or even being near one. i'm not being snobbish but rather, i know i CANT stand them, simply do not have the patience for screaming, whining, and spoilt lil critters. BUT~ that was me from two years ago. i took up a job as a private english tutor and begun to fall every bit in love with them. even though they're irritating and noisy... but they're adorable and still very much lovable. hehe~ i just call them lil monsters now. it helps ALOT.

orite~! i'm getting myself out of the rut! even if its reli slow and dreary... hm~ i scored a whooping 36/40 for BIS coursework! and me being rather slow in technology... this is pretty good! hahah! as for Macroeconomics, i scored a neat 70.5 for coursework. i noe... not a very pretty score. bad charlotte BAD~! gotta try reli reli hard in the examinations. i thank God i didnt fail Quantitative Studies! THANK YOU GOD! and my frens who are always there to save me at the last minute! now am just waiting for accounts... argh~! utter horrid suspence! ms.Chan pleaseeee! let me passs laaaa!

brokenly whole

like a flower which petals have been picked...

the feeling of being seen through. its like an open secret. thinking that only a few close buddies knew... how wrong i've been. the one person that should not have known...

i'm slightly embarrassed. more of dissappointed... haha~ this kinda gives the guys in KK a reli bad impression. i thought i have left the childishness of high school boys behind... but lo behold, college guys are equally or more immature. when are u guys gonna grow up!? sure, physically u guys do drastically catch up but i'm already pretty darn sure, that mentally, ur still no where near the gurls.