hmm... i remembered the first time being forced to wear skirts by my mom when i was six... gosh... it was like forcing satan to wear a pair of angel wings! i was howling and struggling... it was a satin skirt with white lace and ribbons. *shivers* i never really like the kiddy stuff ... but ... i bought myself a short skirt... from Dorothy Perkins! i love it! hehehe!

i guess this is where i admit that my elder sister was right. u cant keep all ur frens from high skewl unless they appreciate u just the same... so that means, only my best and closest frens huh? all the others will slowly fade. i argued with her, of course. saying that its different with my bunch! just a few years from then, i realised... yea. she's so right. i'm losing most of my old buddies... only retaining a handful... and sadly... in that small handful, a few are already slipping thru my fingers...as hard as i try to save those frenship... time and fate is always against me, or the other party gave up too.

i went out wit him and realized... I'm really happy! he was everything i wanted in a guy but... abit of chemistry was missing. he held doors and chairs out (perfect gentleman!), attentive, fun, spunky... gosh... he was just hilarious as well! yet... as much as i wanted to.. i guess i wasnt THAT into him. i needed more connection than gentlemanly ways and goofy jokes. i love talking abt more deeper stuff like philosophy and political views... i enjoy his magical gift of knowing what i've missed out, like playing at the beach, flying kites and a picnic! how cool is that?! he wondered out loud, " have u played in the rain before? let's do it but don get sick ah!" * giggles* i wish i could fall deeply and madly in love wif him... but even when i force myself... i cant... i'm still trying...

pounded

my very foundation of my faith is shaken. i'm not surprised. Ben knows why... not blaming anyone but myself. i always knew that i was weak in faith. i've always tried to block off the logic and reason that formed in my head... meeting Ben was like a wake up call. he made me face reality in a nanosecond. i was reluctant..no,wait... i was slightly confused or rather... i denial la.

blamed self

its partly my fault. to always be busy with college and work. but i cant reli help it... i wish i cud have stayed back in KL and not go back to sabah... but i did what i was expected of me from my family.. mostly my dad.

Ben was right... i chose the easy way out. i chose not to be the best i can be. he's still my best bud. nothing can change that. i know i neglected the time we had with each other... or the sheer bad luck /timing to meet up...i rarely ever emailed... or call..or sms...... its bad, i know.

i do not! want this frenship to ever end. i dun know but i feel we're both too much alike and if i ever cut off contact with ben, its like losing my opposite gender of a twin. a brother. a family member. my best bud...

to me, i segregate my list of frens into neat lil groups... like best friends (being on top of the friend pyramid) and the second, good frens and third, just frens. yep... easy? no? best frens being those i cherish the most, appreciate and truly believe in : friendship never ends..... and currently, there's just only two.. Ben and Georgine.