grumpy and ...RAWR!

roughly sums up my mood now

currently burying myself alive in work (both in the company and tuition center) and college stuff.

unconsciously... i think i'm just trying to NOT think about depressing stuff la. got lots of things going on... sure, everyone goes thru alot of things. i just dun think its the same and maybe i'm not that good in handling loads of problems at the same time.

oddly... when u're hit with one problem... suddenly, MORE will come right after that! argh... i just hate it. i hate it when a small petty problem which shudnt trouble me much becomes a big annoying one even when i dun bother or meddle with it. it feels odd to me that friends ask soo much questions about my frenship wit this particular male collegemate. WAD DOES IT HAF TO DO WITH U??? nothing right? you're not my best/good/close fren? no? so go away! i dun need another nosey dodo in my business. i had enuff of those.

so wad if i looked as tho i fell in love with him jsut a few months ago? do i look like i like him now? ever considered that maybe it was his fault that in the end i refuse to accept him as 'more than just frens' ? he asked for a chance! i was given an OPTION - yes or no . i opted NO! and the whole world suddenly thinks i'm sum evil mighty witch flying on my broomstick, cackling and throwing frogs at whim n fancy! garrrr...

as of now... i found another small group of frens. yes.. i'm those who find frens based on my moods and current needs. right now, my priorities or qualities i want in a fren is fun. funny. no stress. as simple as that.

which brings me to another problem, i was in love all along with the same guy. maybe i forgot or... purposely 'buried' him? i went out with other guys and found them...unsatisfactory... i guess i've just answered alot of questions with one lil sentence. heh.

no more complication needed in my life. i need a holiday soon.... or shopping! if not, heck! bring me out fer a stiff drink now.

fussy, i noe.

i'm not sorry at all that i said no to him. but i'm saddened that we're no longer good friends like before. despite many commenting me cruel for leading him on, i'll stand my ground. i refuse to give up my single-dom for a guy deemed below-par. maybe it is slightly unfair la when he is often compared to the guy of my dreams.

in a way, i wasnt reli into him. i liked him. at the last minute, i suddenly realised the difference between like crush lust and love. i admit it was just like. i didnt love him.

i dun care if i have to wage war between those who stand for him. why do u ppl have to butt into my business? this is between me. and him. but currently, its more of me refusing to talk to him cuz i know myself better than anyone else. i cant talk to him now. i'll explode if i do. pretty sure that i'll start shooting him. depends on the location and situation. AND my mood. haha~

and oddly, most of my KL frens hv seen that fugly part of me. none of my college mates here in KK have. i've got the knack of controlling my temper very well now. to the point, the majority of my frens think i'm soooo nice and hardly hv a problem with my temper! haha! amazing.

i'm enjoying my life now. too much i admit. i dun need a permanent guy( aka boyfren) now. *sighs in relief and contentment* i dont have to worry about his feelings and alway allocate some time amidst my hectic schedule for him. for now, having fun socializing( more like fishing for potential guys...just for the fun tho) and gaining life experiences by working with parents and by being a part-time tutor.

i'm fussy. but i noe wad i want. and i want it the way i like it. xp

two steps backward and one step forward

longing for peace

one discovery made me look at my family life a little differently now. something i believed in for such a long time turned out to be sumthing that waSn't true. .... i'll just leave it at that...

probably a week or two after my birthday...i've really thought : i've wasted a year for this one guy. i wanted someone that most people think he's unsuitable or not good enough. and the other two guys were so much better for me... yea... a year wasted. i admit... but then, i took a chance...or rather, a risk and told him that i liked him in the middle of a phone conversion one night. i felt...cheapened. dont ask me why. haha! maybe the word should be vulnerable yet... it isn't exactly right either.

damn... i begin to hate mandarin. why? cuz its so unprecise. two lil chinese words can mean totally different things... so... i'm actually still stuck in the middle. wad d eff is : "hao gan" ?! like i said, mandarin is unprecise.

now, i'm having second thoughts about him... i feel bad but i'm not doing this on purpose! i feel like telling him that i was kidding when i said i liked him! maybe i shud've shutup and just remained the talkactive coursemate! honestly, now i'm just holding everything back inside.i refuse to talk to him about anything except for class,friends or studies. nothing sensitive or close to heart. maybe i dun wanna be hurt all over again. gawd... i dun want that anymore.

i might have made a small mistake by telling him. the bigger mistake MIGHT be when i trust the wrong guy. i wish i had the courage to just love freely like last time... but i feel scared. i'm trying but ... i think not trying as hard i shud be.

don't u feel like screaming and slapping me sober? well... yea... i wanna do that to myself too. haha~

sixsubjectsinshortsemester

i dunno wad to think of it right now. losing two good friends,Wing and Prinz who decided to drop outta college, made me feel really sad and yeah, cried abit... wad if it were two best friends? i lost one for sure already, thanks to her dishonesty... well, one more is on the pending list. haha. i'm not really sure why but i guess i prefer to have a little bit of hope.

i dun think being best friends for more than five years would end just like that, would it?

honestly... i don't know. and right now... life isn't going the way i wanted AT ALL. not a bit. i have six subjects this semester. and its a SHORT semester...

thinking of me myself and i

i tried. not once... not twice.... but alot of times! COUNTLESS TIMES. i reli take the innitiatuve and willingly spend my money to call, or try to chat thru MSN but if he doesnt want to receive the call or even make an effort to contact me, FINE!

i deserve at least an explaination or a offline message. but no....instead i get rejected calls, a few brush-offs and many unanswered MSN messengers. all i wanted was a brief update or how're things or better yet,a short simple convo... i dun mean to be rude or seem inconsiderate, but seriously, considering...i've been doing this for the last two weeks?!... i dun think i am selfish or whatsoever. what am i supposed to feel when this is your best friend? happy, not bothered or abit irritated? i think i already have more than enuff reasons to be angry.

i've been working my ass off, attending classes, leading clubs, studying into the wee hours of morn, and handling two major projects for my dad since the day i got back from KL, and in the midst of all the chaotic rushing of work and college, i still constantly think of him, go online to drop a MSN message, or try to call.

not belittling the things he goes thru, for i will never do that... i just feel i've done what i shud...its frustrating for me when i try to do sumthing close to my heart and it doesnt work out...and believe me, i've never complained abt my frenship with him till now.... and..... come to think about it... honestly... from now on... like alot of people say, i gotta start thinking of ME... being hurt is easy, i just dont want to go on hurting. i'm going to believe that maybe i'm wrong, and yea. i will no longer contact those who do not contact me or unless without advance notice/permission.

hmm... i remembered the first time being forced to wear skirts by my mom when i was six... gosh... it was like forcing satan to wear a pair of angel wings! i was howling and struggling... it was a satin skirt with white lace and ribbons. *shivers* i never really like the kiddy stuff ... but ... i bought myself a short skirt... from Dorothy Perkins! i love it! hehehe!

i guess this is where i admit that my elder sister was right. u cant keep all ur frens from high skewl unless they appreciate u just the same... so that means, only my best and closest frens huh? all the others will slowly fade. i argued with her, of course. saying that its different with my bunch! just a few years from then, i realised... yea. she's so right. i'm losing most of my old buddies... only retaining a handful... and sadly... in that small handful, a few are already slipping thru my fingers...as hard as i try to save those frenship... time and fate is always against me, or the other party gave up too.

i went out wit him and realized... I'm really happy! he was everything i wanted in a guy but... abit of chemistry was missing. he held doors and chairs out (perfect gentleman!), attentive, fun, spunky... gosh... he was just hilarious as well! yet... as much as i wanted to.. i guess i wasnt THAT into him. i needed more connection than gentlemanly ways and goofy jokes. i love talking abt more deeper stuff like philosophy and political views... i enjoy his magical gift of knowing what i've missed out, like playing at the beach, flying kites and a picnic! how cool is that?! he wondered out loud, " have u played in the rain before? let's do it but don get sick ah!" * giggles* i wish i could fall deeply and madly in love wif him... but even when i force myself... i cant... i'm still trying...

pounded

my very foundation of my faith is shaken. i'm not surprised. Ben knows why... not blaming anyone but myself. i always knew that i was weak in faith. i've always tried to block off the logic and reason that formed in my head... meeting Ben was like a wake up call. he made me face reality in a nanosecond. i was reluctant..no,wait... i was slightly confused or rather... i denial la.

blamed self

its partly my fault. to always be busy with college and work. but i cant reli help it... i wish i cud have stayed back in KL and not go back to sabah... but i did what i was expected of me from my family.. mostly my dad.

Ben was right... i chose the easy way out. i chose not to be the best i can be. he's still my best bud. nothing can change that. i know i neglected the time we had with each other... or the sheer bad luck /timing to meet up...i rarely ever emailed... or call..or sms...... its bad, i know.

i do not! want this frenship to ever end. i dun know but i feel we're both too much alike and if i ever cut off contact with ben, its like losing my opposite gender of a twin. a brother. a family member. my best bud...

to me, i segregate my list of frens into neat lil groups... like best friends (being on top of the friend pyramid) and the second, good frens and third, just frens. yep... easy? no? best frens being those i cherish the most, appreciate and truly believe in : friendship never ends..... and currently, there's just only two.. Ben and Georgine.