a tad too late?

so my depression set in a little later than expected. i thought i didnt have to go through it. but it did :> i'm glad sumhow i did endure it.

it might be common knowledge but yeah, i turned the wrong direction to deal wif it. but sumhow, im glad i did?

i mean, how come i always have to be such a goody goody? WHY does clubbing make me a bad person!? i dun do drugs nor drink myself to oblivion.

the old me wud hv tried finding sumone older to talk to, write in a diary and lock myself in a room with a good book. sigh, i'm a real oldie inside. :>

turning over an old leaf

i've truly gotten over him.
the guy that i've always been in love with
then again, ppl say :
if u really love him, u cudnt get over it!

that might be true
but what if u know tht u'll NVR be happy
knowing he doesnt feel the same?
but what if u know tht u have NVR mattered
to him as much as him to u?

MUST
is when you're not given a choice.
get over him or forever feel inadequate

i gave up on him
but when others came along,
i was pretty straightforward with them,
they accepted my terms n conditions.
their problem.

now that i'm truly over him,
does that mean i'm ready to go back
and face him, my past and more problems?
KL is sumwhere i'm not keen on.

just maybe. still thinking. will decide.
soon to be updated on tht matter

martina mcbride sed it...

i'll be what i know i shouldn't...
i'll do what i know i cannot...

rebelling? yeah... thts wad i know

that was wad i tried to leave behind and change
now i know what had inspired me to turn over a nu leaf
but, i realise that inspiration is gone
like they say : old habits die hard.

i remember the bittersweet memories... carefree and wild...
that was me back then.
now? chained to resposibilities and drowned with boredom.

i find it so easy to revert to old ways.
to just be who i am. cold and cruel when i want to...
manipulative, indulgent and selfish...

i learn from my mistakes,
no longer will i put all my whole heart into one single person
no longer will i trust all my hopes into one single event

relationships or love is sumthing
no longer exclusive
i'd love to take lessons from hippies... *giggles*
spread the love and all~

i wish i wasnt like this
yet i'm still thankful for it
no longer idealistic and gullible

Ladies n Gents! actually....
i'll back on my feet! with a naughty smile
and hidden agenda thats not too scary
oh! and it'll of course be a surprise....

when? i cant be sure
how? keeping meself swamped with TOO MUCH work
reward upon accomplishment? hmm.. i'll think abt it

wishlist? i'll still be me

why do i do this?

i hate being the third party in a relationship.
yet i cannot stay out of it.
am i being greedy or stupid?
or both?

he claims he loves me
i confirmed i do not love him
i fell for sumone else whom i cant get over with
he said, i'll wait then
romantic? i think not
stupid? yes i was thinking just tht

so why am i still with him?
simple
i'm sadistic towards the gurl
and i love the attention from the guy
o btw? money and power makes me giddy with glee

its just a phase.
i'm just using him to forget the other guy
the other guy = the guy i fell in love with
much regrettedly so

i hate you because you made me feel like a failure

ben? kai? maggot?

had a long talk with Ben on the phone just now. darn. i'm gonna miss him like crazy. its gonna be worse now that he'll be in the States rather than just the other side of Msia. shucks la... now BOTH of my best frens are out of the country. this is when i can truly say, i'm all alone. now there is no one i can turn or run to instantly.

i used to tell myself that, no matter wat happens, i can run away and hide at their place. even if it was jsut fer a while. maybe that was how i made myself feel a tad more secure? they have always been my support system, now having them both gone... dangit. now, this lil donkey *me!* has to think on its own feet and survive on its own! haha...

i'll miss ben. yea. i sed that already huh? what happened to out idealistic dream? hmm... twas in form2.. we made plans to move in an apartment together. study in the same college but diff courses. get out of the country together and live the life we deserve. i think wad we meant was, life without much supervision = loadsa freedom! haha~ year by year, i find myself smiling at tht memory. how naive we were. but yet, it just goes to show how far we've come. as best frens. tht was just the starting of it all =) silly lil daydreams in class. hopefully it'll turn into reality? maybe not entirely as we've planned. but i'm sure we'll make up for it eh?

long gone is that lil gangly fello, who had a black face and a small backpack barging in the class on the first day of skewl. the one who sat behind class without uttering a word. first impressions are usually off-target assumptions. i assumed Ben was a snob and a dimwit. heck! turned out to be the best candidate fer heated discussions which might turn into a debate or better, arguements. ahh~ BLISS! arent i glad that joe sent u as a messenger *grins*? remember the hate-blog? sky-high phone bills? the lil chat wif ur mom? haha~

u'd rant and complain about women and i'd curse and bitch about men. if we'd meet psychologists or counsellors, they'd become millionaires jsut by having both of us consulting them during peak-emo season. but then, i knew they're just bloodsuckers. and its fun.. since i'm the xiaochabo/kepochi of the both of us. hahah.

i'll miss you buddy. gosh... i tear up even when i start to think that ur leaving. i cant say its too soon cuz we knew u'd leave years ago. i find myself feeling bad cuz i cudnt have made a bigger effort to call or meet you. then again, we both are equally high in demand eh? always so busy with life, maybe i wasn't having priorities laid straight.

*hugs* i love you Ben. u've been this reli best fren that i needed at the times i needed u most. remember that one time i called u when i was sobbing and in hysterics? the silly car accident of mine? horrible arguments and emo-seshs? yeah. i-heart-u,bennie.

reality bites.

maybe it was a spur of a moment... something that i just suddenly wanted to do without encouragement or reason to. i didn't even have time to think rationally about the action i was about to take. there i was thinking with a giggle:"gah~ lets just get this over with!"

by the term "get it over with" , i meant that i wanted the truth. i feel so tired with all these nagging thoughts...

1. is it okay that i go out with this guy if i still like another?
2. does it count as tricking the guy on this date?
3. i think i am fooling the poor chap... *feels guilty*
4. will he hate me if he found out i like another?

then there are those heart wrenching stuff they say...

1. i like you alot...
2. will you be my gurlfren?
3. gimme a chance?
4. i'd never hurt you wor...


concluding that i might actually relieve myself of such a lip-gnawing problem by simply telling him the truth. i take the sole blame for all this stupidity. haha!

so that i did just that, i meant- me confessing! it wasnt reli confessing tho...it was more like.. me giving rather obvious hints and clues. no point beating around the bush much. thank goodness he finally understood... yep, feel quite awkward.... abit sad, regretful but i'm glad its out.

i got wad i wanted. i just wanted the truth. i'm glad i found out sooner.. than later. i'm OFFICIALLY freeeeee~! guilt free to go out with others... cuz apparently according to him, now is not the right time and he likes another few gurls. i'm not goin bonkers but... i'm glad i have the truth and a reason now. i'm just wondering why didnt i just do this sooner?!

liars. rejected

so falling in love was the easy part. yeah... that was a no-brainer. now... how do u get outta LOVE?


i'm pretty sure i'm not in love. no, i am not in denial. chill~ i'm just in the late-teenage-pre-adult playful phase. hehe! just interested in having serious fun and getting involved in real-life drama. maybe right now is not the time for a steady relationship. maybe right now, is the time to explore and realise my girly dreams plus naughty fantasies...

it was on merdeka day that i made this breakthrough... im gonna live life to the fullest. doesnt it sound so corny? like its right out from the movies?

there i was, spending quality time with my family up in Kundasang, the foothills of Mount Kinabalu. it was a cold night... but not to the point of freezing tho. i received an sms from him---> X ,saying that he was caught up in a bar fight, is hurting and feels like he's dead. being myself, i went into panic mode and got worried... but a tiny voice inside of me told me to call another good fren,Wil to find out if X was orite. i called and heard the fella's voice in the background while talking to Wil. he sounds orite to me... the next day, i drove down from my holiday villa and met up for weekly badminton. aside from bruised knuckles and a nearly-unnoticeable swollen cheek, he looked and seemed A-OK.

so... enough said! i refuse to believe i over-reacted cuz Yvon reacted the exact same way i did. i hate liars!.... or braggers!... or..or guys who make a mountain out of a mole hill! HMMPH!

life manual. where art thou?

hey ya'll. finally! i put my words into actions! hahahahah! i've locked up this blog! wooohoooo~

first things first! to celebrate the privatization of this blog, lemme say wad has been kept hidden in my heart for oh-so-long! ...... i have made a promise to collegemate Yvonne to remain single till the end of this year! but its unofficial! as we've eyet to discuss details and she's fussing about signing papers! this is wad u get when meticulous gurls are put into business schools eh? all about black n white and greenbacks. haha~

i'm still wondering about this deal thingy :
1. remaining single doesnt mean being crush-free! HEHEHE!
2. dating doesnt count, right?
3.wad happens if both parties succeeds in this deal.......
4. penalty.... run around campus in a swimming suit? or sing out loud: " duncha wish ur gurlfren was hot as me? dun cha~ dun cha~"
5.we need a blardy unbiased witness. both of us have over-protective frens.


if i screw up this semester... i've decided to just continue living right here in Sabah. but if i dont... i'll be continuing my studies in KayL. but for now... everything is unclear and unconfirmed. sigh... planning is fun. more fun if planning came with guarantees or warranties. heck, my life manual is missing. hehe!